Setting the Bar

"Love will come when you stop looking for it."

We've all heard this phrase from a sympathetic friend or family member when we're lamenting about how we'll never be in a happy relationship. It gets old; how can I find love when I'm not actively searching for it? The cryptic message doesn't do much to calm the helpless feeling rising in your stomach as you re-download Tinder after your most recent breakup.

Of course, this was the exact situation I was in when I went on my first date with my future husband. I was going into the final semester of my undergraduate studies, I was starting to look for my first job, and I was starting to take on my own bills and responsibilities. I was busy! I had recently gotten out of a toxic relationship and decided to give myself a break from dating. Besides, I was happy where I was in life. Stressed, but happy. And right after Christmas, I received a message from a coworker wanting to get drinks and catch up. I thought he was cute when we worked together, but I wasn't interested in a serious relationship because I was set on moving wherever I got the best job offer. I decided to meet him for just a few hours. It ended up being eight hours. When he told me he was a Marine based in California - on the completely opposite coast of the country - I all but lost interest. There was no way he would put in any effort in from across the country. How he proved me wrong.

He sent me flowers at least once a month. No boyfriend had ever bought me flowers before. He texted me whenever he could and FaceTimed me every night. Two months later on Valentine's Day, he sent me a piano keyboard after I told him I wished I could play while at college. I told him this one time and he remembered. When I visited him in California a month later, he told me he loved me. I knew I was in trouble because I felt the same way. I told him my career was super important and I didn't want to rush into things. I needed him to wait at least a year before he could propose to me. He understood and I thought his affections would begin to wane once I set these boundaries. They didn't. He has not been any less affectionate to this day, after nearly a year of marriage.

To say I was blown away is an understatement. Why did I stay in a relationship where the guy hadn't even told me I looked pretty in over four years when I could have had this? Why did the man of my dreams appear out of thin air when I wasn't looking for a relationship?

I think people rise to the bar of expectations you set for them. It's kind of like a filter. When the bar is low because you just really want someone to hold hands with and take you on dates, the crappy people seep through amongst the good people because they don't have to put in a lot of effort to attain and maintain your affection - at least in the beginning. Then when you expect more from them, they move on to the next easy target. When your expectations are high, only a few people are willing to rise to the occasion. Usually, they are truly interested in you as a person because they are willing to go above and beyond to be with you.

Now, this isn't meant to put the blame on women (it would be nice if everyone's goal was to be a great romantic partner from the get-go), but bad people can be good at pretending to be good people for a short period of time. If we all start expecting better communication and respect from our partners, maybe everyone will try harder to be a more compassionate and loving romantic partner. That's the dream anyway. So focus on yourself first, and if someone sees how amazing you are all on your own and simply wants to match your ambition and enthusiasm, let them tag along. Who knows? It could just be your soulmate.