Communication From a Distance

As a military spouse, dealing with long distances is kinda ingrained into the gig. Whether it's a week-long training or six to nine months on deployment, it's difficult knowing your time with your partner is limited, especially when contact is sparse. This also applies to people who just live far apart because of other reasons, such as a job, college, or family. Everyone always claims long-distance relationships are doomed to fail, but I disagree. They are more challenging than someone living close to you, but not impossible by any means. Two people who love each other very much and are willing to work to make their relationship work are all you need.

Communication is key in any relationship, but this is especially true for long distance relationships. It sounds simple, but it's difficult t communicate effectively while being vulnerable. I feel so lucky in this aspect because my husband has excellent communication skills and actively feels his emotions. Personally, it's hard to express my negative emotions because I like to maintain peace and address my partner's needs and wants above my own. Withholding my emotions doesn't help himaddress my needs and can lead to frustration and vice versa. I've had to learn to stop myself from shutting down my feelings and take a breath before talking through things. I often feel better after and it gives my husband a better understanding of how to be there for me. Talking about things we want or need or want to work on with our partner isn't easy, but it's necessary to move forward in a healthy way. For example, when my husband is stressed about work, he becomes quiet and a bit removed from the present. I tend to internalize this and think he is mad at me. So, after asking him what's wrong and him telling me he is stressed about work, I feel better and help him work through his stress and cheer him up. This also helped me realize I behave similarly, so I try to explain how stressed I am instead of being short with him. Also, the more you talk about difficult things, the less time they've had to stir up unpleasant emotions, leading to a calmer and more effective conversation.

Communication doesn't always have to be big revelations. In fact, some of my favorite ways my husband communicates is in small ways. Sending me a text that he'll be busy all week, but he'll be thinking of me until he can call me on the weekend is great. It sets me up to know that he'll be busy and not to expect to hear from him until later and that he's keeping me in mind. And he always follows through - calling me exactly when he says he will. This has built up my trust in him that he'll always keep his word, thus lowering my anxiety and managing my expectations. When he's away from home, he'll send me texts, letters, video call me, and send me little things such as flowers or food to let me know he's thinking of me. This makes the distance feel much less daunting because I am getting as much love and attention as he can possibly give and makes me feel cared for. He's there for me if I'm feeling sad or stressed, and by addressing this immediately, we spend less time on the negatives and more time on the positive things. We update each other on our lives and make plans for when he returns.

Listening is just as important as communicating in a relationship. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves and interpretations can vary across parties. This often causes miscommunication to occur because someone can say something inoffensive, but the opposite party can interpret it different;y. This makes it crucial to listen with an open mind and to remain patient until the person can fully express their thoughts before responding. If you hear something you don't like and immediately respond out of anger, this can cause confusion and an unnecessary confrontation. On the flip side, it's important to be wary of how your words will be interpreted by the other person. Selecting your words carefully and addressing the other person's concerns without invalidating their feelings takes skill. It's easy to become frustrated when it seems like someone is twisting your words, but you have to be mindful not to tell someone that what they are feeling isn't real just because you didn't mean it that way. It can be difficult to keep our emotions in check in the face of an altercation or criticism, but it's necessary to prevent more arguments from ensuing.

Love languages are also a useful tool in understanding your partner. While I think there are more ways to give and receive love and it's not all black and white, the 5 love language types are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Giving/Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch. I really enjoy Quality TIme and Acts of Service. This means I feel the most love when we're spending time together, even if it's just going grocery shopping together or sitting on thee couch reading together. I also feel really loved when he takes out the trash for me when he leaves for work or brings me lunch when I'm too focused to move from my computer. These little actions make me feel loved and cared for beyond words. Everyone is different and learning what's important to your partnerwill hrelp everyone feel heard and loved in the relationship.

Long distance relationships are difficult for anyone because we all want to be close to the people we love. It can be difficult to maintain a healthy loving relationship, but I think at the basis of this is good communication. Actively communicating with your partner makes the distance feel so much shorter and homecoming that much better.