_edited.jpg)
We've all been in relationships that have been toxic. Maybe everything starts out just like any other relationship and slowly devolves into disaster. Sometimes there are signs in the beginning that the relationship is not going to work, but we ignore them because we are excited by the idea of being in a relationship with another person. I'm going to outline five red flags that I have experienced in a toxic relationship.
1. Gut Instinct
While you can't know everything about a person, at first sight, you often get a general feeling about someone. More often than not this gut feeling is correct, but we may ignore it. There can be many reasons we ignore this feeling - not wanting to be rude, not trusting ourselves, and not wanting to believe our first impression are a few examples. I feel that we have been told to ignore this sense in favor of being polite because it is valued in our society. This often comes in the form of someone saying "Well, you can't judge a book by its cover!" Now, I'm not sure how you pick your books, but personally, I pick up a book based on its cover. Sure, I read the summary to make sure I'll like the book before I buy it, but if I don't like the initial feeling I get from the front cover art, I'm not going to pick it up. Trust your gut always!
2. Insecurity
Insecurity can appear in many forms, but if a person does not work to get past these insecurities, it can be detrimental to a relationship. Does your partner limit what you wear? Do they constantly ask to see your phone or know your location? Do they get jealous easily or dislike you having friends of the opposite sex? Do they constantly put themselves down (e.g. I don't know why you're with me; I'm too ugly for you) and expect you to comfort them in response? These can all be warning signs for a deeply insecure person. Without trust, a relationship cannot thrive. It's okay to need some reassurance of your partner's affection from time to time, but if someone blames their insecurities on their partner or uses these insecurities to control their partner, this is a toxic person.
3. Love Bombing
Love bombing can see a bit counterintuitive. Why would having a romantic partner shower you with attention, lavish gifts, and security be a bad thing? Well, all of it at once at the very beginning of a relationship is usually a manipulation technique. They want to draw you in and make you feel as safe and happy as possible. Once you're invested in them, they can reveal their true personality and motivations. It's a sort of entrapment technique that abusers and narcissists tend to use to attract a partner before their abusive nature comes to light. People with bad intentions can do good things, so it's important to ground yourself and look at the relationship as a whole. Love and attention are what anyone wants out of a relationship, but if your partner tells you they're in love after two weeks of dating, it may be time to run.
4. Isolation
Another technique abusers will use is isolation. This is another sign that may not be obvious at first because it begins slowly. it may start off simply, such as telling you to ditch the plans you had with your friends and hang out with them instead. Then it can begin to escalate. Telling you that your friends don't have your best interest in mind or are bad influences on you. They could even make you choose between your relationship with them or your friendships. If your partner gives you this sort of ultimatum and becomes less and less tolerant of other people in your life - friends, family, coworkers, mentors - they most likely don't have your best interests in mind. This kind of person will not stop until they are the only person in your life, forcing dependency. You should never sacrifice solid relationships in your life for a potential partner and the right person won't make you choose
.
5. Gaslighting
I see the term gaslighting pop up on the internet, but I'm disappointed to see it used interchangeably with lying. Gaslighting is NOT the same as lying; it is much more intense and controlling. Lying is pretty simple - a person avoids telling you the truth and goes to great lengths to prevent you from finding out the truth. Gaslighting may begin as a lie but it is often a thinly veiled one - and they don't care because they will convince you that you are wrong regardless of the evidence involved. Being gaslit is so harmful because it challenges and warps your perception of reality. It annoys me that this term is used so casually because I have had experiences with both lying and gaslighting. When I was lied to, the truth would hit instantaneously after receiving evidence of the lie. When I was gaslit, it took years to undo the twisted perception I had even after having seen the truth on multiple occasions. It is like someone telling you the sky is green and when you point out the sky is most definitely blue, they tell you that you are colorblind or just disagreeing on purpose to start an argument. It can be an infuriating and mind-frying experience. You start to question your own [perception of the world and your self-confidence. Abusive and manipulative people will take advantage of this weakness and push the narrative that most benefits them,
Summary
There are many more examples of warning signs in a person that signify they will not be a good romantic partner, but these are a few more common examples that I have personally experienced. Trust your own instincts and take your friends' and family's advice into account. While it can be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes other people are far enough removed from a situation to see issues you might not be able to see. Hopefully, people become more aware and either recognize these issues within themselves and seek to improve or learn to recognize it in others to avoid a terrible relationship.
Comments